touch

14 07 2025 

physical contact is such a weird, conflicting concept to me. i crave it. i'm convinced it's one of the most affirming acts of care someone can bless you with. at the same time, like most of my toughts, needs and feelings, i find there tend to be moments in which touch only feels correct if i myself am "feeling it right". otherwise it gets stripped of meaning and becomes uncomfortable. as with anything else, i seem to only function through extremes. i mostly feel physical contact is something too intimate for me to give to anyone. trying to comfort a friend with a hug makes me so uneasy that my head starts to go all restless and dizzy. but then again i don't mind being touched by a stranger. i actually enjoy casual affection like that a lot of the time. and then the gears in my head start spinning to turn that into a problem as well. why did i do this instead of that? why did i think this instead of that? does this thought make me evil? what if everyone knows i'm evil? what if i'm manipulating people into being around me? if they dislike me so much, why don't they just say so or leave? my brain starts to attack itself until i've managed to feel so much guilt over something so insignificant, that at the end of my self induced mental spiral im just left confused and exahusted. 

and i got to the realization that lately, every touch on my skin just reminds me of how dirty i am.